2009 forecast
So now 2009 is here, the year’s already brought us some cool stuff including
1. Barack Obama as president, the country always does better with a tall, good looking man in office.
2. It’s now been 150 years since Darwin’s Origin of Species was published, marking 150 years of guilt free sex since the whole thought process on procreation was wrested away from the church. THANKS CHUCK!
That’s about it though. Any other good news you’ll have to get from theonion.com or some other fake news source.
It’s pretty much that time in our little historical epoch when unemployment, food shortages, and crime reigns supreme. So if you don’t have a drinking habit, get one. That is if you can afford one. But there’s an upside to all this; if your career interests are somewhat less high brow, now is an excellent time to take a page from the books of Bugsy Seigel, Al Cappone and Bonny and Clyde, the original recession (depression though really) time high-rollers. The recession doesn’t mean the end of fun, it means the beginning of an entire new underground type of fun: think bootlegging, speakeasys, flappers, and bar room brawls. It’s all about adjusting to the times as they come. When food gets expensive, you either grow your own, become a cannibal, or steal it.
Other ways to make it through the recession:
1. Look into selling your organs. There’s a huge a market out there for kidneys out there and it’s not like you need more than one.
2. Look into harvesting the organs of others. It’s not like they need more than one either.
3. One word. Porn. It pays cold hard cash and you can’t eat your dignity or your self-respect.
4. Identity theft. This can go wrong though. Make sure you don’t steal someone’s identity who’s even worse off than you are.
If all else fails, cash in your savings, get some plastic surgery and start your reality show career. Remember, this is America, anyone can be famous and rich. Think of those pissants on from The Hills.